Current Location: Utrecht
Current Mood:  horny
Current Music: Eminem - Stan, Eminem - Kim
Moments of pain fade into moments of incredibly, almost insatiable lust, that fade back into the moments of pain, creating a continuous loop of pain->lust
I've been *very* fucking horny all week, and it's not funny anymore :O
Not just physical lust,lust burning with every particle of the mind, heart, and body.
Those weird fuckers in Utrecht are driving me bazooka's.
I saw MiMi with a guy that was not the boyfriend Ive seen (Richard). Richard looks dorky to me. Find yourself a fucking ENTJ, they go best with INFP's (I've been around alotta ENTJ's so I kinda know em in general. ENTJ is better than an ENTP. Except for the fact that you won't be smiling and laughing so often with the ENTJ >D)
Anyway, they were discussing something standing in front of a restaurant, so I think he might be a potentially new boyfriend. Richard's a neglectfull idiot anyway, if you ask me. Not judging him out of jealousy, it's based on reading mimi's journal stating that Richard is a *tad* neglectful and has even bigger lack of empathy than I have. That's rare.
The new guy had exactly the same hairdo as I have. I'm hotter thou ;)
Seriously. Not to be all in defense and whatnot, but I truly honestly think MiMi was a temporary dumbass to push me away, push me out of the relationship (she'd probably say in response: "But YOU left ME!" -- yes, cause our love had turned into rotten misery, eating my heart out every moment, every day...) like that, because is there anyone she can love as much as she loved me? With my larger than life affection, and all those wacky/intelligent/cute ENTPi traits.
I love her still of course.... that part of her that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and go "awaawghawghghgh you're so SWEET!", and I will never forget her. To this day I often sit alone in my room, put Sarah McLaghlan on ("In the arms of the angel, fly away from here, from this dark cold hotel room" .. "In your sweet embrace, all my pains erase" .. "If I had the chance love, I would not hesitate to tell you all the things I never said before" .. "It's the state I am in; I can't be good to anyone else") -- Possession (the piano&voice song that goes "I'll kiss you so hard...I'll take your breath away") is my favourite song.. about 1-1,5 week ago I was listening this song on repeat (so basically that same song again and again and again...), and after some time I just broke down and cry... had to cry so hard I had the feeling (and almost DID) of vomiting... eventually I couldn't handle it no more, I just kept crying and crying for so long. now that I look back on it tears well up my eyes a bit and I get that feeling in my throat.
This was the first time I truely cried over MiMi.
Later that week I went to the pharmacy across the supermarkt (Boni, where Mi and I worked, coincidentally), and I just... my gut told me to walk through the lane where MiMi lived when we broke up (it was a temporary house not far from their original house, that was being renovated); there's one picture that's in my memory so incredibly sharp, and that is MiMi saying 'bye, pi :'(', wlking home under her umbrella... while I was standing on the corner of the street, just watching her leave... shit, again that feeling like I'm going to cry, only no tears fall out of my eyes.
I have problems crying - I never cried over alotta stuff that I was supposed to cry over, things that were supposed to hurt but I didn't feel the pain of it.
I walked through the street where she lives now (saw her mom and dad in their car passing me, I said nothing; what could I say, you know), where she had lived almost her entire life.
My last stop was the playground near her house, where we ate icecream on a hot day.... turned out all 'our' things (the benches we sat on, the huge concrete tube where we sat in to hide from the rain) where gone...
I thought that was a therapeutical thing to do, walk through these memories now that I am able to accept that MiMi is gone forever, even though there are times that I miss her so FUCKING much and I feel knives stabbing my stumach from the emotional pain, memories seeping from my veins.
Anyway, in that week, just the latter was the case... I felt so horrible for days on:( just.... lonely and empty, while nothing (even my latest girlfriend) could light up the darkness; if only just a little bit, because the pain I experience in times like that, they are above my treshold, too intense to bear, while I experience it (even in physical manifestation) in full force, every fucking minute, all day long, in this case for totally one week.
I think MiMi's heart has a place hidden very well but not so much for her most dear ones that's absolutely innocent, and sometimes reminds me of the sweet naieve of a child; doing all kinds of things that would make me smile and feel so good inside that I'd burst out saying: "goddamnit liefie! that's so cute! NEEEEEJ HE :D"
And I'll always miss touching that MiMi, the one I loved so much it would sometimes start to hurt, drunk in my desire.... no one can take that place, no one can steal those precious memories I stocked away deep in my psyche, only for me to play behind my eyes.
It feels a bit like the phases of mourning, and after a long time, you find yourself accepting that that dear one is gone and will never be with you again, bringing you feelings unique to the relationship with that dear one, but also cherishing memories, and letting go of most of the anger (there'll always be something left deep inside) of 'fuck, i never wanted things to be like this but they did and i cant do a fucking thing :S:S:S:S'.
But maybe I'm talking bullshit. I'm 22 you know.
Eminem ft. Dido - Stan
Chorus: Dido
My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..
1st Chorus: volume gradually grows over raindrop background
2nd Chorus: full volume with beat right after "thunder" noise
[Eminem as 'Stan']
Dear Slim, I wrote but you still ain't callin
I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got him
There probably was a problem at the post office or something
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot him
but anyways; fuck it, what's been up? Man how's your daughter?
My girlfriend's pregnant too, I'm bout to be a father
If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her?
I'ma name her Bonnie
I read about your Uncle Ronnie too I'm sorry
I had a friend kill himself over some bitch who didn't want him
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
I even got the underground shit that you did with Skam
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man
I like the shit you did with Ruckus too, that shit was phat
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Stan
{Chorus: Dido}
[Eminem as 'Stan']
Dear Slim, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad - I just think it's FUCKED UP you don't answer fans
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside your concert
you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew
That's my little brother man, he's only six years old
We waited in the blistering cold for you,
four hours and you just said, "No."
That's pretty shitty man - you're like his fucking idol
He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like being lied to
Remember when we met in Denver - you said if I'd write you
you would write back - see I'm just like you in a way
I never knew my father neither;
he used to always cheat on my mom and beat her
I can relate to what you're saying in your songs
so when I have a shitty day, I drift away and put 'em on
cause I don't really got shit else so that shit helps when I'm depressed
I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest
Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me
See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it
My girlfriend's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7
But she don't know you like I know you Slim, no one does
She don't know what it was like for people like us growin up
You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Stan -- P.S.
We should be together too
{Chorus: Dido}
[Eminem as 'Stan']
Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans,
this'll be the last package I ever send your ass
It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway
Hey Slim, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night"
about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning
but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him?
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped ALL of your pictures off the wall
I love you Slim, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE without me
See Slim; {*screaming*
Shut up bitch! I'm trying to talk!
Hey Slim, that's my girlfriend screamin in the trunk
but I didn't slit her throat, I just tied her up, see I ain't like you
cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more, and then she'll die too
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now
Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out?
{Chorus: Dido}
[Eminem]
Dear Stan, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said your girlfriend's pregnant now, how far along is she?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that
and here's an autograph for your brother,
I wrote it on the Starter cap
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the show, I musta missed you
Don't think I did that shit intentionally just to diss you
But what's this shit you said about you like to cut your wrists too?
I say that shit just clowning dog,
c'mon - how fucked up is you?
You got some issues Stan, I think you need some counseling
to help your ass from bouncing off the walls when you get down some
And what's this shit about us meant to be together?
That type of shit'll make me not want us to meet each other
I really think you and your girlfriend need each other
or maybe you just need to treat her better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doin just fine
if you relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you but Stan
why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I do want you as a fan
I just don't want you to do some crazy shit
I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge
and had his girlfriend in the trunk, and she was pregnant with his kid
and in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about, his name was.. it was you
Damn!
Eminem - Kim
[Eminem]
Aww look at daddy's baby girl
That's daddy baby
Little sleepy head
Yesterday I changed your diaper
Wiped you and powdered you.
How did you get so big?
Can't believe it now your two
Baby you're so precious
Daddy's so proud of you
Sit down bitch,
If you move again I'll beat the shit out of you !
[Eminem]
(Okay)
Don't make me wake this baby
She don't need to see what I'm about to do
Quit crying bitch, why do you always make me shout at you?
How could you?
Just leave me and love him out the blue
Oh, what's a matter Kim?
Am I too loud for you?
Too bad bitch, your gonna finally hear me out this time
At first, I'm like all right
You wanna throw me out? That's fine!
But not for him to take my place, are you out you're mind?
This couch, this TV, this whole house is mine!
How could you let him sleep in our bed?
Look at Kim
Look at your husband now!
(No!)
I said look at him!
He ain't so hot now is he?
Little punk!
(Why are you doing this?)
Shut the fuck up!
(You're drunk! You're never going to get away at this!)
You think I give a fuck!
Come on we're going for a ride bitch
(No!)
Sit up front
(Well I can't just leave Haley alone, what if she wakes up?)
We'll be right back
Well I will you'll be in the trunk
So long, bitch you did me so wrong
I don't wanna go on
Living in this world without you
So long, bitch you did me so wrong
I don't wanna go on
Living in this world without you
You really fucked me Kim
You really did a number on me
Never knew me cheating on you would come back to haunt me
But we was kids then Kim, I was only 18
That was years ago
I thought we wiped the slate clean
That's fucked up!
(I love you!)
Oh God my brain is racing
(I love you!)
What are you doing?
Change the station I hate this song!
Does this look like a big joke?
(No!)
There's a four year old boy lyin' dead with a slit throat
In your living room, ha-ha
What you think I'm kiddin' you?
You loved him didn't you?
(No!)
Bullshit you bitch don't fucking lie to me
What the fuck's this guy's problem on the side of me?
Fuck you asshole, yeah bite me
Kim, KIM!
Why don't you like me?
You think I'm ugly don't you
(It's not that!)
No you think I'm ugly
(Baby)
Get the fuck away from me, don't touch me
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!
I SWEAR TO GOD I HATE YOU
OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU
How the fuck could you do this to me?
(Sorry!)
How the fuck could you do this to me?
So long, bitch you did me so wrong
I don't wanna go on
Living in this world without you
So long, bitch you did me so wrong
I don't wanna go on
Living in this world without you
Come on get out
(I can't I'm scared)
I said get out bitch!
(Let go of my hair, please don't do this baby)
(Please I love you, look we can just take Haley and leave)
Fuck you, you did this to us
You did it, it's your fault
Oh my God I'm crackin' up
Get a grip Marshall
Hey remember the time we went to Brian's party?
And you were like so drunk that you threw up all over Archie
That was funny wasn't it?
(Yes!)
That was funny wasn't it?
(Yes!)
See it all makes sense, doesn't it?
You and your husband have a fight
One of you tries to grab a knife
And during the struggle he accidentally gets his Adams apple sliced
(No!)
And while this is goin' on
His son just woke up and he just walks in
She panics and he gets his throat cut
(Oh my God!)
So now they both dead and you slash your own throat
So now it's double homicide and suicide with no note
I should have known better when you started to act weird
We could've...HEY! Where you going? Get back here!
You can't run from me Kim
It's just us, nobody else!
You're only making this harder on yourself
Ha! Ha! Got'cha!
(Ahh!)
Ha! Go ahead yell!
Here I'll scream with you!
AH SOMEBODY HELP!
Don't you get it bitch, no one can hear you?
Now shut the fuck up and get what's comin to you
You were supposed to love me !!!
*Kim choking
NOW BLEED! BITCH BLEED!
BLEED! BITCH BLEED! BLEED!
So long, bitch you did me so wrong
I don't wanna go on
Living in this world without you
So long, bitch you did me so wrong
I don't wanna go on
Living in this world without you
Scenery I haven't experienced (kidnapping my girlfriend/wife with plans to kill her, after finding her in his trailerhouse with another man)
This is the perfect musical expression of what I experience alot when I'm angry...
'How the fuck could you do this to me!?!?' - he says in despairing anger and pain
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
style4_motion's journal
depressed
artistic
determined
little anger inside
awake
(150 x 60)
(128 x 64)
(60 x 40)
(45 x 30)
(160 x 18)
